The Dumbest Criminals Of All Time

Not everyone is capable of leading a life of crime. In order to be successful as a criminal you must be able to plan carefully, cover your tracks, think quickly on your feet, and stay calm in sticky situations. And of course, a good disguise is a must. But most importantly, you must never brag about what you did on social media. Many of these may seem like no-brainers to us, but these amateur criminals must have missed the memo. Here are some of the dumbest criminals of all time.

Butt-Dialed Police

Butt-Dialed Police

A 911 dispatcher received a long and silent call from a cell phone, and tracked the phone to a house in Sidney, Ohio. Police were sent to investigate the scene, and when they arrived they found a window was broken. They entered the home and heard a low beeping sound. The continuous noise led them to Douglas Wolaver, who was trying to hide from them, but his cell phone’s dying battery had given away his location. Apparently Wolaver had accidentally butt-dialed police on his cell phone which was in his pocket. It curiously did not cross his mind to turn his phone off while he was robbing a house.

Beware Of Gumby

Beware Of Gumby

A surveillance camera in San Diego captured quite a scene at a local 7-11. A man dressed as Gumby entered the store with his hands up in the air and proceeded to tell the clerk he was being robbed, demanding a pack of cigarettes and the money in the cash register. Gumby threatened to pull out a gun, but then fumbled when he appeared to be trying to pull it out of his costume. He then dropped 27 cents onto the floor and walked out with nothing. The whole spectacle was so odd, the cashier initially thought it was a joke… and kept the spare change.

The Moss Man

The Moss Man

Deputies in Hillsboro, Oregon, found quite an unusual thief when they responded to a break-in at the Rice Northwest Museum of Rocks and Minerals. Their K-9s were sniffing the ground outside when they started biting at a clump of moss, and the officers then heard a strange yelp. It turns out the dogs were, in fact, biting a man wearing a camouflage suite covered in moss. Gregory Liascos, AKA the “Moss Man”, was arrested on burglary and criminal mischief charges. He had secretly cut a hole in one of the building’s walls days earlier, and was trying to get in.

Robber Fills Out Job Application After Stickup

Robber Fills Out Job Application After Stickup

Seventeen-year-old Cody Conner entered a Florida sex shop, pulled out a gun and demanded the clerk hand over the money in the register. When the clerk tried to talk Conners out of the robbery, the teen explained that he had to do it because he needed money to help his grandparents pay their bills, and no one would hire him. The clerk continued to plead with Conners for 20 minutes, eventually convincing him to put away his gun and fill out a job application instead. He agreed, and that application led the police right to him.

Posted His Hideout On Snapchat

Posted His Hideout On Snapchat

Christopher Wallace, 22, thought it was a great idea to Snapchat while he was hiding from the police. Wallace had just stolen a propane cooking stove and a cast-iron wood-burning stove from a campsite in Maine’s Pierce Pond Township, and went on the social media site to let everyone know he was home, and hiding in a cabinet from the cops. One of his Snapchat “friends” informed the police, and they instantly found him. Just logging into social media is probably not the best idea after a robbery, never mind posting to the world your precise hiding spot.

Dumb Braggart

Dumb Braggart

John Mogan, a convicted felon, committed yet another felony and couldn’t help but brag about his spoils online. Joe had recently walked into a bank wearing a face-covering hoodie. He handed the teller a note demanding cash, and the teller handed it over, Four days later he posted pics on his Facebook of himself with stacks of cash with captions like, “‘That’s called a McStack’ and ‘I’m doing rrree=aaaaalll) good'”. His girlfriend then decided to get in on the action, and the couple took photos with fanned-out money in their hands. Through the pics, the police were easily able to link Mogan to the heist and he was arrested.

A Snack And A Nap

A Snack And A Nap

After breaking in a home and searching through drawers and cabinets, Renaud “Junior” Plaisir decided to check out what was in the fridge and helped himself to some leftover chicken wings. He then passed out in a spare bedroom, where the homeowner found him the next morning sleeping with his shoes off and a knife in his pocket. The homeowner called the cops and held Plaisir at gunpoint until they arrived. They discovered he went on a spree that evening, as they found a few other people’s items in his backpack, which explains why he needed a nap.

Fled To A Prison

Fled To A Prison

Blake Leak, 23, was attempting to rob a mini-mart in Ossining, New York when police arrived on the scene. Leak fled down the street, and the police chased after him, though both cops managed to trip during the chase. Having a few extra moments to get away, Blake noticed a big building with large grounds. He entered the grounds looking for a place to hide. The building turned out to be the Sing Sing Maximum Security prison. A guard saw Leak right away, grabbed him and detained him for the police.

Quick, Let Me Check Facebook

Quick, Let Me Check Facebook

When Nicholas Wig broke into a home in St. Paul, Minnesota, he stole cash, credit cards, a watch and a cell phone. Before fleeing the scene, he felt the need to jump on the victim’s computer and check his Facebook account. Oops, he forgot to log out. The victim then later went on Wig’s page and posted that Wig had left some clothing at his house, and he would return them to him if Wig would give him back his cell phone. Wig shockingly responded and agreed to meet the victim, and was nabbed by the police.

Dead Man’s High

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Five teens broke into a house in Silver Springs, Florida and thought they had hit the jackpot: two vases containing what they believed to be either coke or heroin. The teens happily snorted up their score. The suspects, Waldo Soroa, 19, Matrix Andaluz, 18, and Jose David Diaz Marrero, 19, along with two underage teens, were caught the following week for another robbery. The police found the vases and linked them to the other crime. Turns out that the vases were actually urns, with one containing the remains of the victim’s deceased grandfather and the other his two dogs. Wonder what kind of high they got from that.

The Make-Believe Macaroni Bomb

The Make-Believe Macaroni Bomb

Mark Anthony Carpenter, 44, walked into a bank with a strange object in his hand, claiming it was a bomb. The bomb was actually just a box of macaroni. The teller caught on to his scheme and refused to give him any money. His plans foiled, Carpenter fled the scene. He was apprehended by police while trying to hide out in the woods. He was arrested and charged with attempted armed robbery, even though he wasn’t actually armed. He could have at least tried to use an item that looked a bit intimidating; a box of rigatoni doesn’t really incite fear in the hearts of men.

The Great Marker Disguise

The Great Marker Disguise

A good disguise is essential for any successful robbery, which is why these two were inspired to hide their face… behind some Sharpie doodles. A man in Iowa called police when he discovered two men wearing hooded sweatshirts and painted faces trying to break into his home. When the police arrived, they found Matthew Allan McNelly, 23, and Joey Lee Miller, 20, with marker scribbled all over their faces. Why they didn’t opt for ski masks or at least full face paint the world may never know. It could have had something to do with the high amount of alcohol found in their systems.

M&M’s And Porn

M&M’s And Porn

The police had little difficulty figuring out who broke into the Ravalli Republic‘s newsroom in Montana. Nineteen-year-old Stephan Crane broke the window, got on their computers and watched some porn, then logged onto his own personal MySpace and Facebook pages. He then doused the room with a fire extinguisher. The cops found Crane at his sister’s apartment, following his trail of stolen trail mix and M&Ms to her door. Crane told police that he decided to break in after being drunk and locked out of his sister’s place, and finding a copy of the Ravalli Republic newspaper. He told the cops he had always been curious about what was inside the newsroom.

Sydney Wanker

Sydney Wanker

This story is definitely a head-scratcher. A man caught masturbating in a bar in Sydney, Australia told police he drugged himself to “take advantage of himself.” The main reported to the authorities that he slipped the drug Rohypnol into his vodka and tonic when “he wasn’t looking.” He then told police that he “saw this hottie piece of hand leaning on the bar” and the next thing he knew, he was touching himself. “The oddball culprit was one of a number of “predatory masturbators” who were making the bar circuit in the city.

Fast Food Badge

Fast Food Badge

When a truck with flashing red-and-white emergency lights began following a couple in Dallas, Texas, the couple felt a bit uneasy. It didn’t look quite like a legit police car, so instead of pulling over, they called the police. The cops then stopped the truck driver, Adan Juarez Ramirez, 22. Aside from the flashing lights, Ramirez also had a fake police badge. The badge was actually a Chipotle Mexican Grill gift card, with the restaurant name blacked out and the word “POLICE” etched in, but Ramirez decided not to cover up the restaurant’s jalapeño logo. Ramirez admitted to impersonating an officer, claiming that he was infatuated with the police.

YouTube Admission

YouTube Admission

A note to all the would-be criminals out there… don’t ever brag online about your unlawful endeavors. That’s exactly what Hanna Sabata did when she posted an online video that she was “having the best day of her life.” In her video, which was subtitled and put to the music of Green Day, Hannah discussed how she had stolen a “shiny new car”, and held up the keys. She then discussed how she robbed a bank (in Waco) and was now rich, showing off her wad of money. She dubbed herself the “Chick Bank Robber.” The videos led the authorities right to Sabata, who was then arrested.

The Counterfeit Idiot

The Counterfeit Idiot

Jarad S. Carr faced some difficulty when he tried to return a printer to a Walmart in Lake Hallie, Wisconsin without a receipt. When employees went to examine the printer they found a piece of photocopy paper still in it with the image of two counterfeit $100 bills on it. They refused to take it back and Carr made a huge scene, and police were called. After finding out about the printed bills, the officers searched Carr’s home and discovered $300 in counterfeit bills. He was charged with attempted theft by fraud, forgery and resisting arrest.

When Hampers Attack

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When Michael Trias, 20, broke into to a bedroom window in a Mesa, Arizona home, he was stopped in his tracks by a deadly boobie trap. Well, actually it was just a clothing hamper beneath the window. Trias somehow managed to get stuck in the hamper, and a resident who was in the bathroom heard the sounds of Trias struggling to break free. The resident called the police and restrained the thief until they arrived, which isn’t that surprising considered he was initially trapped by a hollow piece of furniture. Trias was arrested on suspicion of burglary and criminal damage.

Man Eats Underwear

Man Eats Underwear

David Zurfluh, 18, was seen weaving uncontrollably down the road in his car. When cops tried to pull him over, he ran from the vehicle but was caught by police. While sitting in the backseat of the cop car, Zurfluh ripped out the crotch out of his shorts, shoved it in his mouth, chewed and spit it out. He was hoping the cotton in the fabric would absorb some of the alcohol so that he would come up clean in the breathalyzer test. He was wrong. When Zurfluh relayed his story in court, people walked out in tears from laughing.

Permanent Evidence

Permanent Evidence

Some criminals like to take home trophies for their horrific acts. Anthony Garcia, 25, took it a step further and tattooed the whole event on his chest. When Garcia, a member of the Rivera-13 gang, was arrested for a suspended license, the police took photos of his tattoos during his mugshots. One of the officers thought that a scene on his chest looked quite familiar. He realized it was a scene from a murder that happened four years prior: a shooting at a liquor store. The tattoo depicted all of the precise details of the murder, from Christmas lights to a bent light post, and Garcia ended up being convicted of first-degree murder.